4 Major Killers of a Sweet Relationship

 

They are also called the 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse. You have to be on the lookout to when these tendencies begin to rear their ugly head up in your relationship and manage them properly. They are all as a result of emotional outburst or emotional overwhelm. The way they are being managed will determine if a certain relationship will be salvaged or not. Please take a moment to subscribe to our YouTube channel at https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IWy6IgmwP2g&feature=youtu.be   Thank you.

These 4 horsemen are:

1. Criticism: This is the negative flipside of complaint. Complaints are not bad infact they are constructive to any relationship. They help put things back in order when both partners have a good listening habit. Complaints are targeted at a specific action at which your partner failed. Criticism on the other hand convey distraught mixed with negative words targeted at your partner.

Look at these:

Complaint: There is no petrol in the car. Why didn't you fill it up like you said you would?

Criticism: Why can't you ever remember something? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank and you didn't.

You see! Criticisms are demeaning. Let's learn to honour and respect our partners. Be nice.

2. Contempt: Contempt is a feeling of disgust mixed with words and directed to you partner. They  include name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humour. Contempt are poisonous to relationship. Contempt is fueled by bottled up negative thoughts about your partner. It should be put to check.

3. Defensiveness: In this case, a partner is always interpreting anything said as an attack. Therefore, him or her has to reply in a counterattack approach. This further fuels the hostility among lovers and the conflict ensues. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize and the other spouse remains on the counterattack.

4. Stonewalling: This is what I call silence treatment. It usually arrives late after the first 3 have had their course and are still having. When a partner becomes overwhelmed by the constant negativity targeted at him or her. This stance is then employed to avoid physical combat or flooding. By flooding, I mean your partner's negativity has overwhelmed you to the point you feel defenseless (at this point some people cry). To avoid physical combat or flooding, people tend to stonewall or use the silent treatment.

At this point you turn a deaf ear to whatever you partner is saying and behave as if him or her does not exist, while both of you are in the same space.

REPAIR ATTEMPTS

The effects of these 4 horsemen are so damaging to a relationship that as a Therapist, I suggest that peace efforts should always be initiated after every bout of disagreement or conflict. These peace efforts are called Repair Attempts. And these repair attempts must not always come from one partner, all the time.